Depression Among Children: A Mother’s Journey and How to Help Your Child

Once, about twenty years ago, when I was just starting to work with children dealing with depression, a mother brought her child to me for help. Sydney, an eight-year-old girl, appeared withdrawn and quiet. She had dark circles under her eyes, pale skin, and an overall sad demeanor.

This mother—let's call her Kathy—looked overwhelmed. Through bouts of tears, she told me that she was trying her best to be a good mother but wasn’t sure what had gone wrong.

She explained that her husband worked long hours but always made time for both her and their child, Sydney. Kathy insisted there was no abuse, violence, or trauma in the home, and no recent stressors she could pinpoint. She felt guilty, thinking she had somehow caused her daughter’s sadness.

Feeling Guilty as a Parent

Kathy shared that Sydney was a smart child and had always been well-liked by her peers. However, recently, teachers had begun calling home to ask if something was wrong. They reported that Sydney seemed sad, disengaged from her classmates, and uninterested in her schoolwork. Kathy oscillated between deep concern for her daughter’s emotional state and insisting that everything was generally fine. She was overwhelmed with confusion and mixed emotions.

After investigating further, it became clear that no significant event had triggered Sydney’s sudden sadness. Her depression seemed to have appeared out of nowhere at the beginning of second grade.

Family History and Depression in Children

In Sydney's case, she was suffering from depression. Interestingly, her mother, Kathy, had experienced a severe depressive episode just three years prior. During that time, Kathy’s own mother had moved in for three months to help with household duties and care for Sydney. It’s not uncommon for children of parents who suffer from depression to be more susceptible to developing depression themselves.

If you're a parent of a child with depression, you may find yourself asking the same questions Kathy asked:

• Why is my child so sad?
• What have I done wrong as a parent?
• What did my child need that I couldn’t give?

Understanding Childhood Depression: It's Not Your Fault

If your child is depressed, it's important to know that it’s not necessarily your fault. Some children are more predisposed to depression due to their brain chemistry. While life stressors can contribute to depression, they aren’t always the cause. In some cases, stressors may be invisible to everyone but the child. For example, a child could be overwhelmed by new academic challenges or struggling with peer relationships without expressing these concerns.

In Sydney’s case, it turned out that she had developed a deep fear of abandonment due to her mother’s depressive episode. No one had explained to her what her mother was going through, and Sydney internalized it, believing her mother didn’t want to be a parent anymore. This misunderstanding caused Sydney to feel rejected, leading to her own depression. Because she never shared her feelings, no one knew the extent of her emotional pain.

Don't Ignore Childhood Depression

Many people still don’t know how to properly address childhood depression. In fact, we didn’t even acknowledge that children could suffer from depression until the 1990s. Instead of labeling it as a mental illness, it’s often easier for families to pretend everything is fine, or to dismiss the depression altogether.

In my practice, I often see children who are struggling with depression, only to discover that one or both parents are also suffering but haven’t acknowledged their own mental health issues.

In some cases, the stressors leading to a child’s depression are obvious—family illness, divorce, or loss. However, childhood depression doesn’t always have to do with parenting. The important thing is to reach out for professional help when you notice symptoms.

Sadness vs. Depression: Understanding the Difference in Children

It’s natural for children to feel sad after experiencing a negative event. Sadness alone doesn’t indicate depression. In fact, some children express their depression through anger and irritability rather than sadness. A key sign of depression is when mood changes start to interfere with a child’s family life, social interactions, or school performance.

If your child is no longer playing with friends, is performing poorly in school, or isn’t engaging with the family the way they used to, it’s time to take it seriously.

When to Seek Help for a Child with Depression

If you’re wondering whether your child needs professional help, chances are, they do. Even if your child isn’t depressed but is experiencing pervasive sadness, they may need assistance processing their emotions. Children can get “stuck” in their feelings, and therapy can help them work through these challenges.

Depression in Children: A Checklist for Seeking Help

Below are some signs that it might be time to seek professional help for your child:

• Does your family have a history of depression?
• Have others noticed your child’s sadness, and have you ignored their comments?
• Are you or your spouse taking antidepressants?
• Is your child’s sadness affecting their ability to function in school, at home, or with friends?
• Is your child having trouble sleeping or experiencing changes in appetite?
• Is your child angrier or more irritable than other kids their age?
• Do they cry frequently or throw tantrums?
• Have they expressed thoughts of death or drawn pictures about dying?
• Do you constantly worry about your child being too sad?
• Have they stopped enjoying activities they used to love, like playing sports or drawing?
• Do they seem unable to find joy in things that usually excite children their age?

If any of these signs apply to your child, please seek help. Childhood depression is treatable, and a trained therapist can make a significant difference. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help, and it’s not your fault.

FAQs

1. Can childhood depression be outgrown?
   While some children may recover from depression, others may need ongoing support to manage their mental health. Early intervention is key.
2. Is medication always necessary for childhood depression?
   Not necessarily. Depending on the severity, therapy alone may be effective, though some children benefit from a combination of medication and therapy.
3. How can I talk to my child about their depression?
   Be open and honest. Ask how they’re feeling and listen without judgment. Avoid minimizing their emotions, and reassure them that it’s okay to feel sad.
4. What can schools do to help children with depression?
   Schools can offer support by providing counseling services, creating a safe environment, and working closely with families and mental health professionals.
5. Is childhood depression preventable?
   While it’s impossible to completely prevent depression, maintaining open communication, reducing stress, and promoting mental wellness can help reduce the risk.

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