Are You in an ADHD-ADHD Relationship? You’re Not Alone

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adhd-adhd relationship

 

Introduction to ADHD-ADHD Relationships

Have you ever wondered why adults with ADHD often find themselves in relationships with other people who also have ADHD? It’s not just coincidence; it’s part of a pattern called assortative mating, where people are drawn to partners with similar characteristics. This tendency to choose partners who share certain traits, such as ADHD, is prevalent in ADHD adults (Steele, Wymbs, & Capps, 2022). Let’s explore why this happens, how it affects ADHD-ADHD relationships and practical strategies that can help these couples thrive.

Understanding Assortative Mating in ADHD Relationships

 

Assortative mating is common beyond ADHD and applies to other areas like personality, intelligence, and even lifestyle preferences. People may be naturally drawn to partners with similar traits because shared characteristics create a sense of validation, comfort, and mutual understanding. This can be an evolutionary or social tendency, helping people form bonds based on similarities and shared experiences. For adults with ADHD, this often results in “ADHD-ADHD” relationships, where both partners share similar behaviors and challenges. Research shows that ADHD appears in romantic partners at much higher rates than expected by chance.

For example, a study found that 67% of adults with ADHD were in relationships with someone who had significant ADHD symptoms—a huge contrast to ADHD’s general population rate, which is only 2.5% to 4.4% (Wymbs & Molina, 2015, as cited in Steele et al., 2022). In another study, over 90% of ADHD adults reported that their partners showed multiple signs of inattention or hyperactivity (Steele et al., 2022). These trends show how common ADHD-ADHD relationships are and how they often foster deep emotional connections.

Why Do People with ADHD Often End Up with Similar Partners?

Developmental Factors Shaping Partner Choice

Early life experiences might explain why people with ADHD often partner with others who also have ADHD. Many children with ADHD face social challenges, like peer rejection or misunderstandings from others, which can affect how they choose partners as adults. As children, they may have formed close bonds with others who shared similar experiences of feeling misunderstood. This natural bond can carry into adulthood, making them more likely to connect with partners who understand ADHD-related challenges (Hoza, 2007).

Emotional Connection: Shared Understanding in ADHD-ADHD Relationships

One of the strongest pulls in ADHD-ADHD relationships is the sense of empathy. When both partners have ADHD, they share a unique, mutual understanding. This bond can foster a deep emotional connection where both feel genuinely seen and validated.

Unique Benefits of Empathy in ADHD Relationships

  • Reduced Conflict: ADHD-ADHD couples often experience fewer misunderstandings because both partners “get” each other’s quirks and challenges. For instance, if one partner forgets an appointment, the other is likely to respond with patience instead of frustration.
  • Strength in Vulnerability: Both partners may feel safer being open and honest, knowing their experiences won’t be judged. This emotional safety encourages a foundation of trust and open communication.

The Ups and Downs of ADHD-ADHD Relationships

While shared empathy and understanding create many positives, ADHD-ADHD relationships can also come with unique challenges. Here are some dynamics that such couples may face:

Balancing Creativity and Chaos

  • Creative Energy and Spontaneity: ADHD can bring a lot of creativity and spontaneity into relationships. Many ADHD couples inspire each other, finding ways to keep their partnership exciting and fresh.
  • Adaptability and Problem-Solving Skills: ADHD couples often become skilled at problem-solving and adapting to change. They can tackle daily challenges and build a resilient, flexible relationship by working together.
  • Resilience Through Shared Experiences: The shared experiences of ADHD help couples develop a strong sense of teamwork. Humor and empathy are coping tools that help them manage stress as a united front, strengthening their bond over time.

Challenges with Organization and Impulsivity

Conversely, impulsivity and disorganization can create stress, especially when both partners share these traits. Couples might experience “double the chaos” when these challenges combine, but by working together, they can often find systems that work for both.

Long-Term Impacts on Relationship Quality and Stability:
Research suggests that ADHD-ADHD relationships can bring unique challenges over time, especially if emotional regulation and impulsivity remain unaddressed. Although shared empathy may reduce conflict, ongoing issues like forgetfulness, impulsivity, and high emotional intensity can impact relationship satisfaction and stability if unmanaged. Couples may find that learning shared coping skills can be key to sustaining a stable relationship in the long run.

  • Practical Strategies for Thriving in an ADHD-ADHD Relationship

    1. Build Self-Awareness and Develop Shared Tools
      • Self-Assessment: Each partner can identify their ADHD-related behaviors (e.g., time blindness, impulsive spending) and discuss how they affect the relationship.
      • Create Shared Structures: Use synced calendars, task-sharing apps, or visual reminders to keep track of shared responsibilities. This can help reduce stress and make daily organization a team effort.
    2. Foster Open Communication with Regular Check-Ins
      • Weekly Check-Ins: Regular check-ins allow both partners to express their feelings, talk about challenges, and make plans without letting frustrations build up.
      • Use “I” Statements: To avoid placing blame, focus on personal needs and challenges. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when plans change at the last minute. Can we work on creating a flexible plan?”
    3. Leverage Each Other’s Strengths and Celebrate Small Wins
      • Define Roles Based on Strengths: If one partner is better at finances while the other excels at planning social activities, embrace these roles to create a balanced partnership.
      • Celebrate Daily Wins: Small achievements matter. Recognizing efforts—like meeting a deadline or staying on top of household chores—helps build positive momentum and reinforce teamwork.
    4. Prioritize Self-Care and Joint Relaxation Time
      • Mindfulness Practices: Activities like meditation, yoga, or regular walks can help with emotional regulation and ground both partners.
      • Plan Relaxation Together: Scheduling downtime, like a shared hobby or quiet night in, helps manage stress and strengthen connection.

    5. Add ADHD-Specific Conflict Resolution Strategies:
    Conflict resolution in ADHD-ADHD relationships may benefit from specific techniques that cater to ADHD needs. For instance, couples can use timed “time-outs” during heated discussions to avoid escalation or set alarms as reminders to revisit unresolved topics calmly.

    6. Normalize Seeking External Support:
    Couples where both partners have ADHD may benefit greatly from professional support, like ADHD-focused couples therapy. Working with therapists who understand ADHD can offer tools specifically designed for communication, conflict management, and personal growth. This can empower couples to build skills that positively impact their relationship quality and stability.

    Reflection Questions for ADHD Couples

    Consider these questions to deepen your connection:

    • What unique strengths do you each bring to the relationship? How have these helped you overcome challenges?
    • How do you each handle stress differently, and what can you do to support each other’s coping mechanisms?
    • Which shared ADHD traits have brought unexpected positives to your relationship?

    Additional Reflection Question:
    How do you and your partner manage conflicts differently? What strategies can you practice together to ensure a healthy resolution process?

    Takeaway

    ADHD-ADHD relationships bring a unique mix of shared empathy, creative energy, and mutual understanding. While they require structure, communication, and teamwork, these relationships offer deep connection and resilience opportunities. With the right strategies, ADHD couples can build a foundation of support, adaptability, and joy that helps them thrive.

    ADHD-ADHD relationships also highlight the power of mutual growth. Through shared strengths and challenges, couples can experience a partnership that survives and evolves in significant ways.

    Final Thoughts

    . By working together, you can build a partnership that doesn’t just survive but truly thrives, creating a supportive and vibrant relationship that empowers both of you.

    Further Reading for ADHD Couples
    For couples looking to learn more about ADHD in relationships, consider resources like Melissa Orlov's “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” or Gina Pera's “Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?” These books offer insights and strategies for building strong, healthy relationships with ADHD.

    References

    Steele, C. M., Wymbs, B. T., & Capps, R. E. (2022). Birds of a feather: An examination of ADHD symptoms and associated concerns in partners of adults with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 26(2), 296–306. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054720978553
    Hoza, B. (2007). Peer functioning in children with ADHD. Ambulatory Pediatrics, 7(1), 101–106.
    Wymbs, B. T., & Molina, B. S. G. (2015). Integrative couples group treatment for emerging adults with ADHD symptoms. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 22(2), 161–171.

    Other pages on my site to check out

Kristen McClure: Neurodivergent-Affirming ADHD Therapist and Coach with 30 years experience in North Carolina and South Carolina Offering virtual therapy and coaching services across North Carolina, including Ashville, Raleigh, Durham, Wilmington, Greenville, and more. Also serving major South Carolina cities such as Charleston, Columbia, Greenville, Spartanburg, Rock Hill, and more.